Thalia's fertility journey: hopefully more comedy than tragedy

14dp2dt: 383

383. We're doing ok. It should have been at least 128 yesterday, on its way to 256 tomorrow, so this is way more than doubling in 48 hours. I will have to wait til this evening to check on betabase, but even I can see it's good!

I have to confess that looking at last night's peestick again before I went to bed made me feel that today's answer was going to be ok - it was, by the time it had dried out a bit, considerably darker than Tuesday's.

I am very very relieved. Repeat on Monday. Let's hope this is not a repeat of pregnancy #1.

This post may appear three times as I tried to post from email twice earlier in the day. Apologies.

13dp2dt: Pregnant for now

Home again this evening just in time to put Pob to bed. She was pleased to see me, but not overly so, and completely refused to kiss me, which was a bit sad. Perhaps she's cross with me for going away. I hope tomorrow will be better. I'm having a Friday off work for the first time in a month, so am seizing the opportunity to get my hair done, take Pob to Gymboree and then to a friend's house for tea. Pob is going to be a pumpkin, as is one of her little boy friends, I must remember to take a camera.

I expect to get the blood test results sometime during Gymboree, not quite sure how I'll handle it. I am still pregnant according to my FRER this evening, and it looks at least a little bit darker than the one I did on Tuesday, so the fat lady isn't opening her mouth just yet. However, it needs to be 200 or so for me to be convinced this has a future. Let's hope, yes?

 

Not great, not over

Beta is 64 which is median for today - it certainly isn't twins or triplets! Dr Shoes is worried re bleeding and progesterone is 'only' 42 so wants me on IM progesterone til Friday, when I'll have a repeat beta.

I have to say I am not even a little optimistic at this point. I don't think Dr Shoes is either, although of course she didn't say that. We'll see what the rest of the week brings.

Oh joy.

11dp2dt: Hold your horses

Last night I peed on two more sticks, just to assuage the panic I'd been in all day that the fancy new sticks were prone to false positives. Both (two different brands) came up clearly positive, no need to squint. I went to bed feeling happy. You can tell something bad is coming, can't you?

This morning a real gush of dark red blood. Not a dribble, not a spot, but a gush. Post-gush there seems to be not much more, but it's there every time I wipe, a red smear.

We'll review.

- Pregnancy #1, ended in miscarriage at 8 w (although never got to a heartbeat), bleeding at this point, day 13. Less than this, but a reasonable amount. Then stopped until the miscarriage
- Pregnancy #2, Chemical, enough blood for a tampon around this point. Then no more bleeding until I stopped the progesterone
- Pregnancy #3, Pob. A spot at around 5 weeks - really a spot, a little beige smear, bleeding at 13 weeks briefly, less than this. Then nothing

Doesn't look that good does it?

We'll see what the beta says.

10p2dt: Apparently I don't know my body at all

The fancy Clearblue Easy Digital test I got in an online giveaway about six months ago came up "pregnant 1-2" this morning. Which in their confusing way of measuring things is 1-2 weeks since conception, which is about right given it will be 2 weeks on Wednesday. So, um, I appear to be pregnant. Mea culpa for the bitching and moaning.

Now if it says 1-2 weeks, I'm assuming that means hcg is less than 100, which means that it might not be a great beta tomorrow. Clearblue Easy's help line refuses to give any information about hcg levels, but they do say that the minimum sensitivity is 25mIU so at least the beta tomorrow should be more than that. I should hope so, if it was less than that I wouldn't be holding out much hope for this particular passenger.

I got given the test in a deal to get women to review them, only I've lost the link to the survey I'm supposed to fill in. I do think they are a brilliant marketing ploy, designed to drive people absolutely nuts, and ensure maximal sales for the product. They are very expensive, but the temptation once you've got 1 positive to go out and get the next and the next in order to see the numbers going up (they go to "pregnant 2-3" and "pregnant >3") must be immense. I will try to resist and just have my lovely expensive blood draws instead.

I'd almost forgotten the immense craziness of this time. Feeling sure there will be blood any second. Totally tense about the blood test tomorrow. And then the next blood test on Friday. And then the scan. And then the next scan. And then the nuchal and and and... of course the likelihood is we may never get that far. Wishing and hoping. Pretending I don't know the due date would be 8 July.

Pregnant. With no symptoms to speak of. Who would of thought it.

9dp2dt: Ignoring reality

Thanks for the comments on Friday's post. I started to write a post and ended up writing that paragraph, then realised I really couldn't go on. A paracetamol from a colleague helped (paracetamol is ok, right?). And now I've had two decent nights' sleep as H kindly took the night shift both Friday and Saturday nights. Friday she slept through but last night she was up from 2230-midnight or so, so I did well to avoid that.

So I'm doing ok, and we've had two reasonably relaxing weekend days. Yesterday we wandered nearish to our house and Pob had a lovely time in the playground, trying desparately to go head first down the slide, although we stopped her every time. She is a climbing demon and always tries to go UP the slide, and no matter how hard it is, she keeps on persevering. Today we went down to Borough Market, one of London's foodie destinations, to try and take part in the Apple Day festivities. I am well known for being an apple addict. Sadly the crowds and the rain made this no fun for babies, and not much fun for grown-ups, so we had a nice lunch instead, then Pob slept while we wanted round the Rothko at Tate Modern. When she woke we took her to investigate the massive 2058 sculpture installation which she loved.

So it's been a good weekend. Tonight I have to work, and I leave on Tuesday for a business trip which means I won't see her from then until Friday morning. That feels like a very long time. It also means I will miss my blood test, which is oficially Weds morning. What I'll do is sneak in on Tuesday and they'll complain and do it anyway. I might as well get it over with, even though I'm feeling pretty negative right now (haha funny). I am not convinced it hasn't worked, but fairly sure. I haven't peed on a stick yet because I can't see the point, really. I've had none of the stretching and cramps of my previous three pregnancies, and although I sort of think that the full-term pregnancy with Pob might have disrupted that previously dead-on signal of pregnancy, I also have never had a pregnancy without that early symptom, hence my general negativity.  We'll see. Only two sleeps until I find out. It'll be hard not to be able to hug Pob that night to make me feel better, but no doubt I'll survive, I always do. We always do.

±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±

Otherwise: My husband is unemployed. He has been for the last nine months. He is making less-than-half-assed attempts to get a job, and of course things are just getting harder. It has been driving me crazy for at least the last three months given he isn't doing childcare either. There you go, I've typed it. I've been avoiding it because I've been in denial for most of this period, scared of what I'll feel when I open it up. This I hope will mean I will finally write the post that I need to to get some of the frustration out of my system. But not now. Now it's time to go and give Pob her bottle.

7dp2dt

Not feeling so hopeful about the cycle, and feeling utterly ill. It's lack of sleep I think, have been working til midnight most nights this week and Pob is not sleeping, so I am exhausted. I'm at the stage where all I want to do is go to bed and sleep but I'm working and not doing a good job because I've got a horrible headache and feeling a bit sick. I haven't seen Pob since yesterday morning which feels ridiculous since I am actually in London, just not making it home in the evenings and had to leave very early this morning.

Hmm, am clearly in the mood to moan. You'd better go visit someone more interesting instead.

4dp2dt: Other people's losses

Still feeling optimistic about this cycle. Let's see how long that lasts.

A friend of mine at work had a miscarriage yesterday at just past 13 weeks. She had been very cautious and told no one til after the 12 week scan. I spotted her at about 10 weeks and offered her a thought on clothes to wear to keep the pregnancy hidden longer since she was clearly nervous about people knowing. We had a good chat and I was delighted when she wrote to me 10 days ago to tell me about the good scan, about how excited she was and about her due date of 26 April.

Today I heard from another colleague that my friend had lost the baby. The day immediately greyed around me. I have no idea why this loss has affected me so but I've been on the verge of tears all day. I just wrote to my colleague to let her know I was thinking of her, and characteristically she wrote straight back to say thank you. Because it was past 12 weeks she went through a sort of labour and got to see her tiny, perfectly formed baby. She is cocooning with her husband right now. I don't know her very well (and remember, we are English) so I don't think there is anything else she would welcome from me right now but maybe I will send chocolate or something in a few days.

I want to do more, though, but I suspect that is  more about my needs than hers. I think part of my distress is the shock. She is young, they conceived first time, the 12 week scan showed everything was perfect. I just assumed all would be well for her. Miscarriages aren't that common, right? But they are, even for the supposedly fertile friends we struggle with. And perhaps every time we grieve for someone else, we feel our own losses again. My losses are minor compared to many of my friends' in this community, but perhaps we feel all those losses, just a little bit.

I'm so sorry, friend. I wish it hadn't happened. I hope it never happens again.

Feed

Thanks for the comments about my feed. It turns out the problem was the post with the funky characters in the heading, it messed up a lot of feed aggregators. Who knew? Turns out swearing straight is better for your feeds than covering it up with symbols. I'll be more straightforward in future.

We've been here before...

SIx still growing, four at four cells, one three-celled, one two-celled but all rated 'good'. Dr Shoes cheerfully transferred the three best four celled-embryos, after we'd had the requisite "triplets are very very bad and you and they are very likely to die" conversation with an embryologist, and signed a form acknowledging we've had that conversation.

Now I know I sound flippant, and I don't really mean to. I think the US practice of regularly transferring two or even three embryos even in young women, particularly those with previous successful pregnancies, is mad. I do understand why it happens given the cost of cycles and the clinics' need to keep their stats up, but it does lead to a higher proportion of bad things than is necessary or ever desirable. So I support the HFEA's push to get clinics to consider single embryo transfer, bearing in mind that success rates for single embryo transfers combined with a subsequent FET are the same as those for double embryo transfers, but with a lower incidence of twins and triplets. But people, I am 41, I have got pregnant twice from IVF/FET and both times miscarried early with a singleton. I'm vanishingly unlikely to get pregnant with twins, let alone with triplets. And my chances of getting pregnant with a singleton is pretty damn low. So let's not panic just yet.

You can bring this conversation up to torment me with if anything untoward on the conception front does happen, ok?

I feel about as optimistic as I can be given how good these embryos look compared to the last cycle, but then what a 2-day embryo looks like isn't a great indicator of whether or not you'll have a successful pregnancy, hence the guardedness of my optimism. But still, not bad for an old lady.